I'm up during the wee hours of the morning today, trying to get tired enough to go back to sleep. I had a minor medical procedure done today (nothing serious, as it turns out), for which I was under a sort of half-asleep/half-awake anesthesia. The effect of the medication was I was exhausted by 6:30 p.m., but then I was awake again at 11 p.m. This quiet hour of the morning is the best time to think and process, I've found. Problem is, I'm not up very much this late or early, however you see it, so the best time to think and process gets slept away most days.
I have even less time to think and process lately because my life has kicked into fifth gear. I'm in the middle of teaching an intense, five-week version of a basic reporting class, and I'm teaching another, much slower-paced class that's easier to teach but seems somewhat like a nuisance while I'm so immersed in the other class. Right before the semester started I took on a writing project that has turned into a bigger thing than I anticipated. Last week I started helping lead a Bible study at church.
All of this stuff is good, although it takes its toll quickly. After only a couple of weeks at this pace, I long to slow down, take time to have a cup of coffee or tea without having to grade any assignments, look out the window and watch the snow fall (something it's been doing quite a lot in Denver this winter) and otherwise just take a deep breath.
The thing I dislike about being so maxed out is how quickly the time passes, and how disconnected I feel from anything but just muddling through the day before me. The goal becomes survival, and without much "margin" time between classes, appointments, deadlines, etc., I have a hard time enjoying things. This weekend I was reminded that during busy times like this, I tend to feel the most disconnected from God. I tend to think that my relationship with God is dependent on how much time I give him, and I beat myself up when I don't spend the time I think I should with him, should being the operative word here.
Don't get me wrong, time is important in all relationships. But all of us have good friends with whom no matter how much time passes since we've talked or seen one another, when you finally connect again, it's as if no time has passed at all. I want to experience God like that. I think I do sometimes. I need to allow myself that freedom more often -- to come to him with the mundane, everyday stuff, not just the big stuff, and let him into even the craziest of days. Then when all I have time to do is say, "Hi, God," it's enough and we're connected. As good as it is to slow down, pull back from things and reestablish some balance in our lives, during some seasons life is just busy, and we have to figure out a way to connect with God in the midst of it.
One of my favorite devotional books is "God Calling." Here's what it says about experiencing God in the busy days:
"Be calm. Never Fear. You have much to learn. Go on until you can take the most crowded day with a song. "Sing unto the Lord." The finest accompaniment to a song of praise to Me is a very crowded day. Let love be the motif running through all . . . Do not get worried. I am your helper. "Underneath are the everlastings arms." You cannot get below that. Rest in them, as a tired child rests." -- God Calling (January 21 entry)
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